Thursday, January 7, 2010

mixed emotions...


The title of this post seems to be the only phrase that does me justice this morning. I could not sleep past two am because my mind was racing with questions all through the night…the same questions that began the moment I stepped on a plane leaving from Nashville.

It’s weird how many conversations you can have with yourself and how many times you can walk through the details of your present circumstance without anyone knowing. Its almost as if I’ve been watching a movie of the last five days, only to find it’s a movie no one else can see.

Repeatedly reassuring myself that this was the right decision, then a moment later quietly wondering if I will last two years has begun to ware on me.  The phrase, “quiet corners of my mind” is as foreign to me right now as the world bustling past my window…my mind is not quiet.  In fact, it’s loud with feelings of doubt, discernment, thankfulness, confusion, anger, excitement, disappointment, and contentment. “how can this be?”, you ask…”how could she have so many diverse thoughts all at once?” the only answer I am completely sure of is…I DON’T KNOW!

I think I gave myself too much credit. I really thought that this would be just like every other time I left the states. I believed that I had experienced all that culture shock had to offer and would be able to easily transition into this new life. I thought…why should this be hard? This opportunity was given to me by the Father…He means me no harm.

Then once again, I am disappointed. Not with this opportunity, not even with this place, but with myself…how many times will have I have to learn the same lesson? We don’t learn through the rainbows and butterflies of life…we learn through the heartache and trials. He knows me. He knows that to make it stick, it might have to hurt for a season. But He also knows, that I know…there is beauty for ashes.

I miss you all beyond the expression of words.  But I’m thankful for your encouragement and hopeful about my life here.

10 comments:

  1. So proud of you! I am so proud to say that I watched you grow from a little girl into a wonderful lady! You my friend, are doing great things!

    Mark Mergenschroer

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love the movie analogy. I wonder what made you think of that...I would love to see your face and talk for a bit. Email me and let me know when's a good time for you. What about your morning, my evening? Love you and miss you!

    Lanes

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good to hear from you! It is cold in AR! Sing A Song and remember where that song comes from!

    Mark

    ReplyDelete
  4. One of the arts of cultural adjustment is to discover/discipline ourselves and in particular our minds to find those quiet corners where you can rest. Thanks for not sharing trite but real. I will talk to papa and see if their are ways to help.
    Neil

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think being honest about your emotions is going to be key and I love how that comes out in this first post! I am praying God does beautiful things through you these next 2 years. You have already impacted so many by your obedience to accept this call on your life! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey stay strong and remember He does everything in His timing i know alot of people are proud of you. Not only are we proud we are remembering you in conversations with the one who lead you there. We love you and know your going to do a remarkable job. Just remember to breath slow down and relax.... Just remember the story of the woman at the coffee shop.

    With love,
    -East Nasty!

    ReplyDelete
  7. rachel, this will be an amazing experience, better than you ever imagined it to be. take it all in - the fears, excitement, emotions - and God will show you the reason you are there. you're being obedient to His call, and now He will work through you :) i will continue to pray and follow you through this journey. stay strong! :)

    love,
    robin

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mick and Rachel DonahueJanuary 9, 2010 at 6:37 AM

    Rachel, we have lived it too. There were days where we thought "If I can just get through this term I will never come back to this place." The combination of culture change, leaving family, and the thought that it's for a long amount of time seem to wear you down. I don't know when it happens (or even how) but little by little things will change. You will acclimate. You will learn how to deal with the loneliness that is inevitable, and you will draw closer to Him in the process. It is trite, but we are not the first to experience these emotions. It will get better. Thanks for your transparent post. We look forward to seeing more. Know that there are at least two here who will be remembering you with first-hand experience of what you are going through.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Rachel, I am Al Farrar, My friend Mark met you on the airplane to L.A.
    My wife Christine and Our four kids are headed to Mae Sot, Thailand. We would love to connect with you via email/skype. We will be with Life impact international. You can email us at bigalfarrar@yahoo.com. We look forward to hearing from you,<>< Al

    ReplyDelete