Thursday, January 7, 2010

mixed emotions...

The title of this post seems to be the only phrase that does me justice this morning. I could not sleep past two am because my mind was racing with questions all through the night…the same questions that began the moment I stepped on a plane leaving from Nashville.

It’s weird how many conversations you can have with yourself and how many times you can walk through the details of your present circumstance without anyone knowing. Its almost as if I’ve been watching a movie of the last five days, only to find it’s a movie no one else can see.

Repeatedly reassuring myself that this was the right decision, then a moment later quietly wondering if I will last two years has begun to ware on me.  The phrase, “quiet corners of my mind” is as foreign to me right now as the world bustling past my window…my mind is not quiet.  In fact, it’s loud with feelings of doubt, discernment, thankfulness, confusion, anger, excitement, disappointment, and contentment. “how can this be?”, you ask…”how could she have so many diverse thoughts all at once?” the only answer I am completely sure of is…I DON’T KNOW!

I think I gave myself too much credit. I really thought that this would be just like every other time I left the states. I believed that I had experienced all that culture shock had to offer and would be able to easily transition into this new life. I thought…why should this be hard? This opportunity was given to me by the Father…He means me no harm.

Then once again, I am disappointed. Not with this opportunity, not even with this place, but with myself…how many times will have I have to learn the same lesson? We don’t learn through the rainbows and butterflies of life…we learn through the heartache and trials. He knows me. He knows that to make it stick, it might have to hurt for a season. But He also knows, that I know…there is beauty for ashes.

I miss you all beyond the expression of words.  But I’m thankful for your encouragement and hopeful about my life here.